CW: Suicide attempts and ideation
So some real talk about Mental Health and Bipolar Disorder:
I get more suicidal ideation while manic or in mixed states than when I am depressed. Don’t get me wrong suicidal ideation visits me while depressed but I am more likely to act on it while in a manic rage.
My last suicide attempt happened thus. I was in a mixed state, but the main emotion I was feeling when I got in the car in a closed garage and turned on the ignition was anger.
I have been suffering my most severe manic swing in years for the past couple weeks, and I went there again today. I was enraged and making a plan. It involved either stopping taking my medication which is keeping my immune system from up and killing me, or taking all my medication at once (It probably counts in the hundreds of pills and probably would have taken an hour to ingest them all).
Moved by the Force or His Gods a dear friend checked in on me right after my plan gelled in my head. I did not tell him I was suicidal when he contacted me, but his love for me walked me back from the edge. At the end of the conversation, I did tell him and told him he probably saved my life.
Living with chronic illness has me despondent quite often, there is a very good chance that it will kill me sooner than later, but it won’t kill me today. And neither will my mental illness. Not today. Here that, God of Death? Not today.