The (lack of) joys of rapid cycling.

One of the aspects of how I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, is that I occasionally rapid-cycle.

 

I am having one of those episodes right now.   I was fine an hour ago,  took the garbage cans from the curb and back up against my fence, I walked my dog, and I chucked a blu-ray from Netflix (that I got in October) in the mail.   Things were fine,  I felt fine, nothing seemed out of whack.

Then… there was a sudden transition.  I could feel an even mood nosedive into a heavy sadness or slight depression.   Quite literally I was fine one minute, and the next I just felt the weight of a mood swing come across my body, my shoulders hunch, my head goes down, and I just hold my head in my hand and sigh.    Writing these words now feels like Sisyphus and the boulder.   This is a slight depression, but it is still depression, and that means even simple things take more effort.

The transition from “normalcy” to depression happened as quickly as the transition of walking from the outside to indoors through a door.  It did not creep up on me or build overtime.  Quite literally I was fine one minute, and the next, struggling, the feeling of slowly drowning or being buried, with no vector for these feelings to be addressed.  I am pretty sure there is no environmental cause, but just what my brain does.  Have I mentioned my brain is an asshole and entirely unreliable?

I was having a very difficult time with recall yesterday, I was worried about my brain acting up (I have a not quite small amount of anxiety about the reliability of my brain), I wonder if it was a precursor to this sudden mood shift?  Any answer would be guesswork.

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