When my illness feels close to the surface

Most days, under treatment, the symptoms of my mental illness can be mitigated.  My symptoms are always there, but some days they are further from the surface than others.  Today is not one of those days.  I feel very aware today that I am mentally ill. It makes me feel fragile somewhat.

Treatment even at its very best is imperfect. And my current treatment regimen is far from ideal.

I always try to do the best with what I got, and not see myself in competition with those around me, but right now I can’t help but see how deficient I am compared to folk who do not suffer as I or others do.

Part of this itching feeling of my illness being so close to the surface has made me more aware and sensitive to stigmatization of mental illness.  Deficiencies in mental health seem to be constant fodder for jokes about how crazy or insane someone is, or off handed comments about someone being off their meds.  When I am feeling more well, I can more easily brush these things off, but on days like today, they hurt.  They seem to cut deeper than most days. Where someone can apply a label in jest, there is nowhere I can go where I am not mentally ill.

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