This is a Facebook Note from August 10, 2014
I hate to break it to you, but I am living with a serious, debilitating, and possibly fatal illness. While there are treatments, with different levels of efficacy, there is no cure, nor is there likely to be one for Bipolar Disorder within our lifetime.
You are probably aware that I have not been using an pharmacological treatment for this illness for about 10 months or so .Some of you have mentioned, how well I have been doing, and my skills at mitigating some of the effects of my illness. What I would like you to know, is that my illness has not been mitigated these long months at all. I still suffer from the effects of Bipolar Disorder, not daily, but moment to moment. When I seem “well” that is not because I am not experiencing symptoms of this mental illness.
What appears as “stability” is nothing of the sort. I am not stable, and have not been for months. These moments of calmness and lucidity come with great effort on my part. It is not an affectation, but it is not a state that happens organically. Any calmness, lucidity, clarity of thought, etc, comes as a result of work i have been doing that you have not, and cannot see, for it is internal.
I need you to know, that these periods also have to be maintained by a great deal of effort. Sometimes, I am simply not strong enough to sustain it, and I will have periods of moodiness, or as has been often lately, quick, explosive irritibility. For that unpleasantness I apologize. I do not want to hurt any of you, but be assured I am doing my best, even when my best is pretty goddamned awful and pathetic. Your happiness is very important to me, and I would lovingly do anything within my power to increase it. However that being said, your happiness is NOT my RESPONSIBILITY. Nor is mine yours. There will be times that I will fail to be able to do things that may lead to your happiness, and I regret that, but please understand, that I do not have the intention to willfully do things that decrease it. If that does occur, I ask you to please let me know kindly and compassionately, so that I may correct such things. While it is my responsibilty to make those corrections, help doing so would be appreciated.
I would like you all to know, that I love you, however, I ask for your understanding about the seriousness of my mental illness, and be mindful of the effort and work I am doing to live with it at this point in time.
August 10, 02014 The Craic House Modesto, CA (The people tagged in this note, are those that I feel are most impacted by my illness, but this note is for everyone in my life, from partners, lovers, to the most casual acquaintance, new friends, and even potential friends whom I have not yet met.)